The Horrors of Marching Band
by 6-The-Cloaked-Nocturne-9
Summary: AU Zexion and the gang are forced to join marching band. Hell ensues. True events, with some exaggeration. rest of the summary is inside. i might be awhile on the updating do to testing! just a warning there is alot of foul laguage!
1. Prologue

Yeah this just popped in my head one day and I finally got around to writing it

A/N- and my first actual posted fic! These are all based on true events of me and my friends in marching band. I kinda matched up my friends personalities with the characters personalities. All events actually happened, laps, hellish section leaders, and horridly sucky playing. Flames are totally welcome, they will be put in a flame thrower the only pairing in here will be Saix/Kairi and only a little but the reason comes later, during our season 2 of my friends fell in "love". Ugh.

Summary-AU Zexion and the gang are forced to join marching band. Hell ensues. True events, with some exaggeration. Personalities of my friends are put to the characters and I gave them my friend's instruments.

Dedication- this is for Kristina, Leah, Kara, Sadie, Molly, Andrea and Leah's band friends who are my inspiration. And Kristina's section leader from Hell, Alex, you are the reason this fucked up Fic is possible, for being a jack-ass.

Instrument list-

Zexion- Alto saxophone

Demyx-cymbals

Marluxia- flute

Xigbar-Baritone (section leader for the brass)

Xaldin- Saxophone (section leader)

Namine-oboe

Saix- quads

Axel-bass drum

Roxas-Tenor Saxophone

Larxene-snares (section leader)

Xemnas-band leader

Luxord- trombone

Sora-Soprano Saxophone

Kairi-Clarinet

Selphie- Clarinet

Tidus- flag line

Wakka- Trombone

Yuna- Trumpet

Rikku-Trumpet

Paine- Trumpet

Riku- flag line

Olette- flag line

(I'm too lazy so just figure out everyone else on your own)

Prologue

Ah, marching band, a great thing that you should be honored to be in. Not.

"Come on Zexy, it'll be fun you know getting in free to football games and being able to hang out with friends and-" Demyx continued to go on about how much "fun" we were gonna have in marching band.

"Yes Demyx I am going to have so much fun wasting my summer to get up at six in the damn morning to walk around a field all day. And in case you haven't noticed. Our. Band. Sucks." Yes thank you Axel. I guess I should explain I, Zexion Hayashida, go to Kingdom Hearts United high school and when you are a junior you are required to be in marching band. And here I thought I would only have to endure the horror of concert band, but I need those stupid credits. Damn school administration.

"What was that Zex? Wait, are you doing your inner monologues again?" asked Roxas. Oops…did I say that out loud?

"Yes you did. You should really stop those, it's not healthy." Well….damn.

"So is anyone else as exited as I am for marching band?" I questioned my voice laced with sarcasm.

"Yeah it's gonna be awesome!" said Demyx not catching the sarcasm. My poor oblivious best friend.

"Fucking band director forcing us to do all of this shit. I mean why the hell do we even bother? Our football team sucks, our band sucks and our school sucks. We play first grade level music for Gods sake! Not to mention the local psycho that just happens to be our band director! " Alas yet another wonderfully obscene truth pouring from Axels mouth.

"So I guess we start He- I mean _Band camp_" I spat it out like poison "Tomorrow at 7 right Demyx?" I mean you've only told us so many times that if I hear it again my ears will bleed; I continued in my head.

"Yep it's gonna be awesome!" He replied for about the tenth time that day. Still not catching the sarcasm or hate; mind you.

"Well as much fun as this is, I have to get home and find my tenor before I can play. So I'm leaving!" Roxas said. It would help if he gave me a heads up first since I am driving him home! Sigh, but Axel got home on his own and I drove Demyx and Roxas home so we could find our instruments tonight instead of tomorrow at 5 in the morning.

So Demyx was chatting happily to me on the way home I was almost thinking about setting the football field on fire. But Axel already had dibs on that idea. Damn. Hope the pyro goes through with it. So I dropped off Demyx and his brother off then took my whiny bitchy brother home from flag line practice. Then I lugged my alto out of the closet then went to bed. Little did I know that tomorrow really would be like hell.

--+--+--+--END OF PROLOGUE--+--+--

So how was it? I think I'll keep writing it no matter what I get but some input would be pretty cool y'know? But this is seriously similar to what's happening to me, we are forced into band and we actually play 1st grade music. I'm sorry for the insanely long authors note; I just had a lot to say. And if you have any stories of concert/marching experiences, I will try to put them in. and the next chapter is longer Review please! - Cat out


	2. Day 1: time for band camp

Yay second chapter!

Dedication- same as last. And to Leah's band friends who will now be named Evan, Kristina A., Bobby, Alex (boy…Leah told me to put that), Ben, Sylvana, Billi-jo, Katlyn, Liz, Gina, and Dominique. And Kalvin, I hope you die by getting your heart ripped out with a spoon and then be forced eat it, that's for stepping on my pocky. And for Tootsiepopgurl, my ONLY reviewer. This is being betaed by my friends that have no writing experience. Great, ne? But ONWARD!

Warning- extreme OOC-ness and utter destruction of anything that makes sense.

Oh yeah this contains extreme Riku bashing and light Wakka bashing. If you don't like it, bite me.

Disclaimer-no.

WEEK/DAY1/Zexion POV\\

Day 1

**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!** My wonderful alarm clock was blaring to the world that it was 6 in the morning. You know what that means? First day of band camp. Joy. I groaned as I got out of bed, only half awake as I brushed my hair and teeth. After almost falling asleep in my cereal I managed to swing my alto over my back and find a half way decent lire (1) I was out the door. As fast as a senile old lady with no legs. Thank my brother dearest who needs to take an hour on his hair. I had to grab my brother Riku, AKA the whiny bitch. He's in the flag line. Yes the GODDAMN FLAG LINE. I swear he's gay, but no he always just yells back "It's for the extra credit!!" It is quite funny when he and his friend Tidus, also in flag line, say it in unison. Now off to the high school.

Well not really first I had to pick up Demyx. He said something about crashing into a tree to avoid the moose in the middle of the road. In all honesty I really didn't want to know, so I stopped him before I could here the whole moronic story... Yet again Demyx talked about how much fun band camp was gonna be, while Rox was passed out and was drooling on his case with Riku poking him every once in a while to make sure he was still alive. When we got to the school Axel was already standing outside looking horrified, his eyes glued to a list.

"Hey Ax watch you lookin' at?" Roxas asked curiously.

"Just look!" he said as he shoved the list in our faces. It appeared to be a list of who was in band and who the section leaders wer…..

"OH Hell no!" me and Roxas said at the same time. Even Demyx paled a bit. The section leader for the saxophones was Xaldin. He was the meanest senior on the face of the earth and it seemed was always PMSing despite being a guy. The reason for Axel's horror and Dem's paling was because of another name on the list. Larxene. Biggest bitch on the block and not afraid to say so. The section leader for the drums. Riku just laughed at us. That little bitch laughed! I will plot my revenge later. It involved fire, and pain, lots and lots of pain. So we walked onto the field AKA to our deaths waiting for Xemnas or better known as Mansex to arrive.

"MEMBERS OF THE BAND ARE YOU READY FOR THE GLORIUS SEASON OF MARCHING BAND TO COME!" ah there he is, the leader to our parade of morons.

"NO!" we all chorused at once. We trained all year to do that in unison, our mothers are so proud.

"WELL IT MUST SUCK TO BE YOU PEOPLE THEN, BACK IN MY DAY…" I will spare you the rest of his 'when I went to school I had to walk ten miles uphill both ways to school (2)' speech.

"NOW DISPERSE INTO YOUR ASSIGNED COLLABERATIONS!" he yelled. Why he must speak in caps lock, I do not know. I think I should write my will before I head off- but oh look it's too late _Roxie-poo_ is dragging me to my death.

with Demyx and Axel/Axel's POV\\

If I were a girl, now would be the time I would squeal "OMG! I'm gonna die! WAAAAH!" but I'm not. I am a man. A very cool man I might add. So instead of looking like I'm gonna piss my pants I have the 'I don't give a damn' look while cowering behind Demyx. Good plan eh?

But my poor, poor ever optimistic friend Demyx. He still thinks we'll make it out alive, ha. Well they do say the good die young and all that jazz. I will let the world know what a hero he was.

"Hey! Mullet/Mohawk kid! Hold your Cymbals higher! HIGHER DAMMIT!" I heard Larxene screech. Poor boy.

/Demyx POV\\--

Now I am about as optimistic as they can get, but even I have my limits. I mean I have this grasshopper woman yelling at me to hold up these here cymbals, but they are already above my head. I'm afraid if this keeps up, I'll snap. And Axel muttering how we are all going to die cowering behind is really not helping, surprising no?

"You again, hold those cymbals higher! How many Goddamn times do I have to tell you! DID YOU HEAR ME! Now do 50 Mountain Climbers (3)!"

I think pretty soon you will be able to see a vein popping out of my forehead. But I won't let it get to me! It could be worse….right? And maybe she'll forget and I can skip out on about 20 of the 50 Mt. Climbers, if Lady Luck is with me today. I wonder how Zexy and Roxy are doing right now…

with Roxas and Zexion/Zexion POV\\--

We are doomed. The first words out of Xaldin's mouth were "Alright scrubs! Get down and give me fifty!" Yes I can see this week seems promising, get the sarcasm? Oh wait; wait; it seems he is speaking to me.

"Scrub! I told you to give me fifty good push ups! Not those girl ones! Now go run around the track five times because I'm bored!" he roared in my face.

"WHY?" I replied.

"Okay you run too!" he yelled, pointing at Roxas.

"But he didn't even do anything!" By now I was thoroughly confused. Does he just hate us for no real reason? Hmm, if so I think I'll walk the laps just to piss him off. Ha is that a vein I see? Well too bad, jackass I'm walking and there ain't anything you can do about it!

Wait, shit! Is he running after me? Holy fucking mother of cows he is. Did I say that out loud again? Fuck. Y'know I think I've changed my mind. I will run, run like the devil's chasing me, which he is by the by. But on the only bright side, to feel better about my situation all I have to do is look at Demyx and Axel. Ha, I would feel bad for them except all of my energy is being sent to my legs right around now. Ha.

With the saxophones/Roxas POV\\--

Wow. I don't think that I've seen Zexion run so fast on my life. Those inner monologues are really starting to work against him. But, on the very bright side, Pork Chops, as I've taken to calling our dear section leader in my head, has forgotten about me having to run. Insert grin like the Cheshire Cat here.

"Hey" my cousin Sora whispered "I think your friend is gonna pass out soon."

Wait, he's right Zexion is turning a nice shade of purple; it is almost the same color blue as his hair. Dammit, if only I had a camera right now. But wait it looks like Axel has one, wait never mind had one. Larxene just crushed it with a bass drum stick. Ouch- now she smashed his head with it. I feel like a sports announcer. Hey wow it looks like our little Demyx ain't so optimistic anymore; I think I can see a vein. It looks like the only sane-ish member of the drum line is, drum roll please, Saix, who just happens to be staring at the moon which is somehow still in the sky. The irony in that is so funny, I would fall over if it weren't for the fact I'd be 'getting out of position' and Pork Chops would stab me with these weird javelins he carries around for some reason. Joyous.

In other news Zexion has just fallen over. I would leave him to be devoured by Pork Chops but, alas, he is my ride home. And there is no way in hell Demyx is driving me, I have nightmares about those times. Shiver the whole moose incident and all. So I did the only thing I could. I picked up a stick. So drastic, I know. Then I threw it behind me so that it hit a cat. Said cat went berserk and started to attack Wakka, a trombone person. He, a Jamaican guy, basically had a spastic attack.

"AHHH, MON, A CAT IS SCRATCHING MY EYES OUT, HEELLLP MEE YA!" while said cat was indeed scratching his eyes out and Wakka was running in circles, crying like a baby. Meanwhile Luxord, the other trombone, was laughing his ass off-as well as the baritone, and section leader Xigbar; actually fell over inside his baritone.

From there it was a chain reaction for all of the brass section that had all of our attention, like a train wreck, giving Zexion enough time to escape. Pork Chops meanwhile loves seeing people in pain so much, that he is almost giddy with excitement, and completely forgot about Zexion. I succeed again. He owes me ice cream now.

/Zexion POV\\--

I will have to buy Roxas something later. Maybe a tub of that ice cream that tastes like asphalt will do (4). The reason being…I am alive! I can't breathe, but that's just a minor mishap. The point is I will be able to live and thanks to Xaldin's short attention span, he now has forgotten about the laps and is now yelling at Sora about something or another- the poor kid looks like he's about to cry. My ass is safe! For now.

Meanwhile with the brass…/Luxord's POV\\

Haha, well it seems I was wrong about marching band being completely unbearable. Watching my classmates suffer has now only made it mostly unbearable. Actually the only reason I am in this band to torture Mansex. Because, really, I suck. I make a point to play as horribly as possible just to piss him off. That idiot freshman, Wakka (who is in the band willingly! Blasphemy! Always sucking up to old Mansex and shit), is always nagging me to play better or some other shit, I don't know I usually tune it out.

So that made it all the better to see him get his ass kicked by that cat and a stick, looks like I might be buying some asphalt ice cream for the stick thrower I'm so happy right now. It would also seem that the brass is the only part of this band without a Section Leader From Hell. Lucky me. I mean Xigbar has this voice that sounds like he is stoned, all the time and an eye patch, but that's a story for another time. But still he is my best friend, which is very handy in situations like this because basically, I can get away with anything. I could murder someone in my section and not get in trouble. Go me.

/Wakka POV\\--

"MY EYYEEESS, YA! MON, HOW WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO READ MY MUUUSSIC?!" sob

ZexionPOV--at the main football field--the uniform unveiling--no shit, really

Oh my Lord. There is a uniform unveiling. No you heard me right, an _unveiling._ There is a glass case right _in the middle of the fucking field_, excuse me I mean parking lot. You see Mansex didn't know how to put lines on a field so we are in the parking lot. A work of retardedness, if I do say so myself.

"LADIES, GENTALMAN AND MARLUXIA" cue indignant cry from my friend Marly, with his natural pink hair, I feel bad for him. "THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, THE UNVEILING OF THIS YEARS UNIFORM, IT WILL BE SO AMAZING AND-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" we chorused, we practiced for that too. Our mothers are even prouder about this little moment (5). Today's hellish experience is dedicated to the letter Y. As in Y is this day so horrible.

"ALRIGHT! THIS IS YOUR NEW UNIFORMS!" he finished grandly tearing a piece of fabric off of the case and-oh dear God.

They are pink. PINK. With some black cloak things but that doesn't take away the horror, the HORROR! And don't get me started on the hat, it has like fucking ostrich feathers in it and is like what those English guard people wear, Lord help us all. At least I can leave. If I can't well then they can just bite me.

"ROXAS, DEMYX, WHINY BITCH, GET YOUR ASSES OVER HEAR!" yeah, the day is finally over.

Demyx POV--

Yes! A break from the cymbals at last! It is finally the end of the fucking day, and I can go home and eat chocolate, yay chocolate! The uniforms aren't as bad as I figured they'd be. I mean I guess they could be worse- I expected the army uniforms with the way bitch was acting- the feathers are pretty cool, and Marly seems pretty happy with the pink. I wish it were blue. Zexy though, he looks like he's gonna explode-never was such a big fan of pink. Zexion seems to have popped said vein and is screaming at us. To my house-and the ice-cream! Yay ice-cream! And chocolate, yay chocolate!

Axel POV--

Wow, just wow. That's all I can say about the uniforms. Woooooooooooooowwwwww. I'm gonna just hitchhike home now. Y'know, the usual.

Zexion POV--on ride home--

Well it seems as I am the only one anyone trusts to drive, I am the driver. Riku seems to be describing his uniform, and how much better it is than ours.

"It's like, so awesome. We love them; they are like, a great shade of magenta with a silvery-cape with purple lining, and like a biiiiggg hat that has a black feather. Maybe it was from like an emo bird or something? Theres a skirt too, but we have the liberty to get a kilt instead, and pink stockings with little pink bows! And a K in fancy script, like this-K." How he managed to show us the design through speaking, I do not know. BUT, I am about bursting sides laughing (not good while driving by the way) at his enthusiasm. That uniform is even more fucked up than ours, and they are happy about it. It makes our pain a little bit better.

"Demyx! Roxas! Get out of my car!" I yelled as they were just sitting there snickering as Riku was looking confused. We had been sitting in front of their house for about five minutes now. The good part is that I can finally go home; the bad side is I have to drive all the way home with my brother describing in more detail his uniform. Joy.

But now I must prepare for tomorrow….my mind and body, and especially my legs. I'll be feeling that in the morning.

end chapter one

(1)- A lire. It is attached to your instrument and holds music. Yup.

(2)- My dad says that all the time.

(3)- They are Hell.

(4)- I actually have a recipe for sea-salt ice-cream

(5)- Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference anyone? Then right after it a Charlie the Unicorn one?

Oh Hell yeah. It's done. 10:30 at night, time for bed solo and ensemble tomorrow! Yup I'm fucked finally this took me about a month to get it all down, phew! we really did have a lined parking lot and R&R please, im going for the amazing feat of having 2 reviews! that'd be real cool, next chapter will be real late I've got OATs and finals, so much fun ) much love Cat


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